Im soooo stupid

I dont know what Im doing. or why Im thinking so much about you. Im going crazy. I need to stop. I barely know you. Meanwhile my x stalks my page. I finally took all the personality out and Im never logging in there again. I need to focus on what I really want. Will the universe to send it to me. cause this is not it

10 minute post

I know it turns you on that I stand my ground. I know, like me, you cant stop thinking about me. I wanna just pick up the phone and text you but I wont. I want you to come to me and Im not budging till you do. Meanwhile Im frustrated cause this game is stopping us from doing what we really want. Which is to meet, confirm our attraction and then do what we’ve both been thinking about for a month. Im burning up. My dreams are coming back. My charm is gearing up. Im like the under the cherry moon sountrack. sexy, addictive…moving….dramatic. I die in your arms under the cherry moon. I want you. Am I crazy? That last picture did it for me. I havent told you how much. But it has. Look at me….here….pining for you. Ugghhh!

Soundtrack of me

I cant disguise the pounding of my heart
It beats so strong
Its in your eyes what can I say
They turn me on

I dont care where we go
I dont care what we do
I dont care pretty baby
Just take me with u

Come on and touch the place in me
Thats calling out your name
We want each other oh so much
Why must we play this game?

Dont care where we go
I dont care what we do
I dont care pretty baby
Just take me with u

I dont care if we spend the night at your mansion
I dont care if we spend the night on the town
All I want is 2 spend the night together
All I want is 2 spend the night in your arms

To be around u is so-oh right
Youre sheer perfection (thank u)
Drive me crazy, drive me all night
Just dont break up the connection

I dont care where we go
I dont care what we do
I dont care pretty baby
Just take me with u

I dont care where we go
I dont care what we do
I dont care pretty baby
Just take me with u

Just take me with u
Oh wont u take me with u
Honey take me with u

I want what I want. Is that too much to ask?

I cant stop thinking about him. I thought about letting him see this spot but Im deciding against it. I need a private spot, alone….away from the rest of the world. I like that nobody comments. People are always giving their two cents when it isnt needed. Im tired of people’s words. I want action.

Why did he send me a picture of himself today. He looks so good. Could I be willing to share him with his internet freaks? He swears he’s faithful when committed. But he wants to be free to look. Looking is nice. Its touching Im worried about. I feel replaceable. And doesnt everyone want to feel irreplaceable.

I dont know permacy. Is that the word? oh who cares. I dont know it. 4 years is as far as I can get. Ive never had a guy like this one. My gut tells me it wont go far.

Or does it?

Date 1

I went on my first official date last night. He is what I call an inexperienced courteous-player. He’ll pick you up, drop you off, pay for stuff but in the end, its all about the sex. He is inexperienced because I saw through his game 30 minutes into the date. I always say to a guy, take me wherever…… to see where wherever is to him. I sat in this bar on the upper west side with him, cosmo in hand watching him watch girls in their 20’s, who were drunk, not that cute and couldnt really dance. And the music sucked! I thought to myself, Im the hottest thing in here. Next!

Im SO over guys with their one track minds. YES, sex is amazing…its the shit, its THE BOMB DIGGITY but DAMN…..that kind of sex comes from when you love someone on all levels. I know many will TRY to argue it to preserve as much sex as possible…but Im not buying it. That’s what I want. Someone who loves me on all levels…is that too much to ask? HUH?

You cut me with your lies

but still I rise. To watch your life from this perspective makes me laugh. How you are working the victim card is so predictable. Ha! And I know she’s buying it. If only she knew how many myspace pages you open and close cause youre such a drama queen.

Buh-Bye

I havent written in a while…went to italy (amazing) and since Ive been back Ive been keeping myself busy so I dont think about him. When I mean busy I mean I joined every fucking dating site there is. Which, for the record is more frustrating than fun. My x is mean as ever….his hoe keeps leaving me messages on her myspace and for that I shoot him emails that rip his heart out….by telling him the truth. I have to laugh though his “soul mate” cannot spell for shit. she has the word goddess in her email address but she forgot a d. this makes me giggle…i told him to get someone dumber than me cause he cant handle anyone with a brain and that’s exactly what he did. lol. And I wonder if i should email this hoe and tell her how he is on my page constantly and if I were her she should get face/body/brain job so he’ll be more interested. No. That’s not my style…that’s what this blog is for.

Heartbreaker… Dream maker… Love taker… dont you mess around with me!

My x is committing adultry on me. And slowly I start to remember nights he worked late and seemed to not care about me. phone calls that came too much. She works near the neighborhood that he works, both in the same field, employeed by the same company…has a six year old just like me. All this time he claimed he wanted to make it work, that he loved us…but that proved to be false…i was his punching bag instead. Now he’s buying her jewlery and taking her to the hotel we stayed at. Giving her all the love he promised me. I keep thinking…what the fuck did he marry me for. what were all those promises. why did he just flip on me that day. Fake tears. Fake love. Fake mutherfucker! All those birthdays and holidays ruined because of him…. he has destroyed red in ways im afraid to admit. I see it in his eyes…the innocence is gone.

OMFG

Im on a dating site and yesterday this cop starts talking to me…my first impression is he’s hot! omg hot. so my type but wait………he’s too fast. he responds fast…talks fast, wants to meet fast…likes me fast….he ruined it by talking sexual too fast, giving me super, heavy, over the top flirting. I dont mind sex talk, I just have to know you have a brain first for me to want to get sexy. I played along, well, cause Im a flirt too but I shouldnt of and my friend who i trust saw all the red flags b4 me. “He was going to take me out, pay for my babysitter, pick me up, drop me off (which is way out of his way and lots of tolls)” I defended to my friend. But no she wasnt having it, all the signs are wrong. “He has a kid so he knows what its like. I guess. I dont know.” I defended again. But my girl wasnt having it. NO! I wrote him this morning to tell him I wanted to go slow, that I wanted to be friends first and he got mad at me. !!!! Then he verbally attacked me to the point where were on the phone fighting and I felt like I was talking to my x. He got nastier and nastier as we talked and then he hung up on me and emailed me and told me to loose his number. Dont worry, I will, but dayum. I couldnt believe it. I still cant as I type this. I feel more like a cop than him. Im not going to meet some stranger, anywhere just because he’s a cop. Why should I feel immediatley safe? He’s like a baby who doesnt get his way so he screams and cries until he gets it. I asked him would he like it if some stranger came and picked up his daughter (who is 12 btw) and take her in his car somewhere she doesnt know???) (he wanted to take me to queens btw eeewwwww) His answer? You’re a grown woman. WTF?! Yeah, and a smart one. Trust is EARNED not demanded.

Its too bad. I had the hots for him big time. But he is TOTALLY damaged just like my x. exactly. *shivers* If he had come from love and given me the time to trust him like a gentleman SHOULD then he would of had me…….sweet like cherry pie

Dear Mr. Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who will stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He’ll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He’ll hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact He’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me
Aaaahhhhh….

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh….