Today is the last day that Im using words

Words, they cut like a knife
Cut into my life
I don’t want to hear your words
They always attack
Please take them all back
If they’re yours I don’t want anymore

You think you’re so smart
You try to manipulate me
You try to humiliate with your words
You think you’re so chic
You write me beautiful letters
You think you’re so much better than me

But your actions speak louder than words
And they’re only words, unless they’re true
Your actions speak louder than promises
You’re inclined to make and inclined to break

You think you’re so shrewd
You try to bring me low
You try to gain control with your words

Friends they tried to warn me about you
He has good manners, he’s so romantic
But he’ll only make you blue
How can I explain to them
How could they know
I’m in love with your words
Your words

You think you’re so sly
I caught you at your game
You will not bring me shame with your words

Too much blinding light
Your touch, I’ve grown tired of your words
Words, words
A linguistic form that can meaningfully be spoken in isolation
Conversation, expression, a promise, a sigh
In short, a lie
A message from heaven, a signal from hell
I give you my word I’ll never tell
Language that is used in anger
Personal feelings signaling danger
A brief remark, an utterance, information
Don’t mince words, don’t be evasive
Speak your mind, be persuasive
A pledge, a commitment, communication, words

Serenity Now

Its official…HE moved all of his stuff out. Im seething with anger as I write this. I got here too early cause Im tired of wasting my time while he gets his shit together. Me being there actually made things go much faster and I let him have it. He hides behind his work clothes acting all tough cause he works for the city…ooohhh… but he’s a REAL pussy…a fat, uneducated, lazy, selfish, nasty, unappreciative BASTARD!!!!!!!

Im mad more at myself for not listening to myself in the beginning. All the warning signs were there. HA, in fact, I was watching some comedy channel last night and the girl did this whole sketch on how we ignore the red flags when we first meet someone…it was funny and now that I think of it and its making me calm down.

Its so true, therefore Im going to pray everyday that I dont ignore the warning signs in me EVER again. That’s going to be my lesson from this.

I really dont believe in love anymore. I mean love exists but not in relationships. Its too hard when you live with a person…when that person affects YOUR future, your son. All he did was take. He never gave without some kind of string attached to it. Never.

I need to just say goodbye to this. Its making my blood boil.

Im going to purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

I feel so sick. I woke up this morning with diarrhea and throwing up. Im not preggers cause this happens a lot and i got my period but I know something is wrong with me and it scares me. Sometimes I go to get Red from school and I can barely get there without feeling dizzy and out of it. I feel like I should make a will cause who is going to take care of Red if Im not around? I dont have anyone…. and I sure dont want my x-husband taking him…which would never happen as he is not his real father.

I swear, living with that man has ruined me, I feel so weak and drained, my whole body is aching.

Like a Ray of Light

Today was a good day. I met up with Howie and spent the day in the park. I like my life without HIM, I feel less stressed, less worried about my time, what I HAVE to do for HIM. It got me thinking Love REALLY shouldnt be this hard. Howie gives to me so unconditionally…it just makes it more clear what I have to do

Like a moth to the flame

Yesterday was a bad day. I walked in the door at 8:00 pm with tears streaming down my face. A moment later there is a knock at the door and it is my neighbor with a ups package of mine. I looked at it puzzled because I hadnt ordered anything. At first I though it was my x trying to school me with some self help book he hasnt even read yet but it wasnt…it was from my dear friend Nonny from France. She sent me two books, The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements.

I was instantly happy. To have something to read that is of spiritual nature, come at a time like this couldnt of been any better-I needed help and I was getting it. I started with The Mastery of Love and it really put my thoughts and heart back in place. It helped me to decided with certianty that moving on is best …and more importantly I understand why I should not feel guilty about my decision…

To have and not to hold
So hot, yet so cold
My heart is in your hand
And yet you never stand
Close enough for me to have my way

To love but not to keep
To laugh, not to weep
Your eyes, they go right through
And yet you never do
Anything to make me want to stay

Like a moth to a flame
Only I am to blame

–Madonna “To Have & Not to Hold” Ray of Light

Extreme Home Makeover

God It manages to make me cry every, single, freaking time!

Who is the Master? Who is the Slave?

First you say you love me

Then you wanna leave me

Then you say you’re sorry

You play the game so well

–Madonna “Voices” Hard Candy

Yet again Im on my own. 38 and on my own. Yeah, and Im bitter. I’ve struggled so much in my life and Im angry cause I just dont get the point of all this. Why am I destined to fall in love with someone who Im only going to end up hating 4 years later. I feel robbed, so much wasted time and for what?