10 minute post

I know it turns you on that I stand my ground. I know, like me, you cant stop thinking about me. I wanna just pick up the phone and text you but I wont. I want you to come to me and Im not budging till you do. Meanwhile Im frustrated cause this game is stopping us from doing what we really want. Which is to meet, confirm our attraction and then do what we’ve both been thinking about for a month. Im burning up. My dreams are coming back. My charm is gearing up. Im like the under the cherry moon sountrack. sexy, addictive…moving….dramatic. I die in your arms under the cherry moon. I want you. Am I crazy? That last picture did it for me. I havent told you how much. But it has. Look at me….here….pining for you. Ugghhh!

I want what I want. Is that too much to ask?

I cant stop thinking about him. I thought about letting him see this spot but Im deciding against it. I need a private spot, alone….away from the rest of the world. I like that nobody comments. People are always giving their two cents when it isnt needed. Im tired of people’s words. I want action.

Why did he send me a picture of himself today. He looks so good. Could I be willing to share him with his internet freaks? He swears he’s faithful when committed. But he wants to be free to look. Looking is nice. Its touching Im worried about. I feel replaceable. And doesnt everyone want to feel irreplaceable.

I dont know permacy. Is that the word? oh who cares. I dont know it. 4 years is as far as I can get. Ive never had a guy like this one. My gut tells me it wont go far.

Or does it?

Date 1

I went on my first official date last night. He is what I call an inexperienced courteous-player. He’ll pick you up, drop you off, pay for stuff but in the end, its all about the sex. He is inexperienced because I saw through his game 30 minutes into the date. I always say to a guy, take me wherever…… to see where wherever is to him. I sat in this bar on the upper west side with him, cosmo in hand watching him watch girls in their 20’s, who were drunk, not that cute and couldnt really dance. And the music sucked! I thought to myself, Im the hottest thing in here. Next!

Im SO over guys with their one track minds. YES, sex is amazing…its the shit, its THE BOMB DIGGITY but DAMN…..that kind of sex comes from when you love someone on all levels. I know many will TRY to argue it to preserve as much sex as possible…but Im not buying it. That’s what I want. Someone who loves me on all levels…is that too much to ask? HUH?

You cut me with your lies

but still I rise. To watch your life from this perspective makes me laugh. How you are working the victim card is so predictable. Ha! And I know she’s buying it. If only she knew how many myspace pages you open and close cause youre such a drama queen.

Buh-Bye

I havent written in a while…went to italy (amazing) and since Ive been back Ive been keeping myself busy so I dont think about him. When I mean busy I mean I joined every fucking dating site there is. Which, for the record is more frustrating than fun. My x is mean as ever….his hoe keeps leaving me messages on her myspace and for that I shoot him emails that rip his heart out….by telling him the truth. I have to laugh though his “soul mate” cannot spell for shit. she has the word goddess in her email address but she forgot a d. this makes me giggle…i told him to get someone dumber than me cause he cant handle anyone with a brain and that’s exactly what he did. lol. And I wonder if i should email this hoe and tell her how he is on my page constantly and if I were her she should get face/body/brain job so he’ll be more interested. No. That’s not my style…that’s what this blog is for.

Dear Mr. Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who will stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He’ll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He’ll hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact He’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me
Aaaahhhhh….

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh….

Dear You

I saw your page today…yeah…. well fuck you too!!!! Why would I live your death? What a stupid thing to say. I could say so many things on my page to reciprocate your comment that would rip your heart out and shove it right back down your throat, but Im not going to let YOU take ME there. No I’ll remain quiet over there and scream and rant over here. Its much better this way.

Funny I should watch a show about a divorce today and how the wife DOES deserve half because of what she sacrifices for the marriage. What pisses me off the most is your sense of entitlement…just because you physically paid for something does not make it ALL yours. ugh whatever. why am i writing about you.

Isnt it Ironic

I went on my first date in years…with someone I havent seen in years, a high school friend. Id see him in the halls and think he is cute and hope he would talk to me but it never happened. Why? I didnt know why then but I do now. He’s a taurus. That’s why. The early May taurus’s dont move with speed…at all. So now it doesnt surprise me now that he didnt call me for days even though we hadnt finished our conversation…or set a day to “meet”

So I called him. And doing so really made me realize I know this kind of guy a little bit too well. He reminds me of John. He talked to me as if he called me…asked me when I want to meet. *blink blink* I didnt even have to bring it up.

So I check out the place he mentioned going to online to find it was a country/old rock type of bar, that smelled like throw up and had peanuts on the floor. No. Ugh. First sign this isnt going good. But I need to go out and get to dating so I shoot back with three other places…and we agree to meet at one of them. He called me early the day of to confirm…which shocked me. Then he called me from his job and we talked for an hour or so about different things. He told me that he asked a friend from school about me.

so the day comes…he was 20 minutes late. He did not look excited to see me…. no sweet reunion. But he DID looked nervous and shy. I wanted to stay at the place we were at but he wanted to leave..to expensive I guess. Second sign of cheapness. We leave and start walking and suddenly he looks across the street at a bar and I see a debate going on in his head…he decides to take me to “his” spot. This is a place where everyone knows him and he has history. Its a regular bar with a family attitude but stippers are there on certian nights. I liked it but what I didnt like is the way he was looking at one of the bartenders. He clearly had feelings for her but its also clear they are not reciprocated…until at least I showed up…then i saw a little jealousy in her eyes. wtf she has a boyfriend…anyway…I think he picked up on it and he started to show signs of wanting to know me…but I was so turned off I didnt totally reciprocate. Some gay guys came right up to us (yes Im the gay magnet) and started talking to me…he looked at him and then me and asked if we were married and i took advantage of the situation and said yes before he could answer no…lol. that was funny. i checked his face and winked…he played along. Then we went outside for a smoke and the owners wife came up to us cause she knows him and asked if we were dating and how sweet that we went to school together…lol. Then the bill comes. I take out money and put 30 down. he takes 20 and gives me 10 back. ewwwww. no class. guess i know now its not a date-date.

He got drunk but I stopped drinking. Suddenly we left and before I knew it we were infront of his place and he offered to have me over. Yeah. I know why. But, Im curious cause a guys place says a lot about him, so I said yes. We get to his door and I see his x’s name on the door, which he pointed out stupidly. My mind shoots back to the night when he told me its been two years since his breakup with his x. I walk in and it look grandmotherly. Really jewish. lol. No style, just a guys basic pad. I sit down and I see that its 2:30. Oh shit. Im a mom, I have a babysitter running a tab, I gotta go. He tries to put his hands on my waist but Im not having it…i dont know what i did but somehow i got out of it. He probably chickened out. thats sounds more right. He was going to kiss me but I didnt want to…he didnt even walk me to get a cab or say, call me when you get home so i know you got there okay.

I cried quietly in the cab home. Tears just streaming down but no sound. I feel so lost. This guy shouldnt get to me like he does but my x has made me bitter. Fuck this guy…No call the next day or the day after. I called him days later after hanging with the girls all drunk and against their advice but he wasnt there and didnt pick up his cell…..If he had I would of given him a piece of my mind.

Im not the only one

Alanis Morissette’s song Straightjacket is STUCK in my head

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

I thought I was the only one who went through this…but no, even Alanis can go through it.

I cant stand people who play games…everything is a competition…ugh

Mr. wonderful I wrote about a while back has disappeared…and Im clueless. Maybe its that I have a kid…maybe its because between his job, his other job, his titty shows, his manly insecurities and web surfing he has no time for love…just fucking around. Okay granted, Id like to fuck around too right now…I dont want to be tied to anyone but he’s not even showing interest….and its NOT because Im not hot…because I am

UGH!

Dear You

It makes me feel better knowing youre suffering…good. You should be. Im so mad at you, my usual forgiving self is hard and numb. I hate men because of you…Im trying really hard not to…but you men dont make it easy AT ALL.

You better not write me or call me ever. Trust that I STILL dont want to hear from you. Only reason Im posting about you here is so I can get what Im feeling off my chest. These words are not for you…theyre for me. You cant give me what I need…what I deserve. Just the though of getting back with you depresses me. Our last get back together was all about poor you…how your sooo insecure…so fragile. When my hand flew up and smacked your face I prayed that some of my manlyness fucking rubbed off on you.  Doubt it.

Only reason I suffer is because of Red and what you’ve done to him….no-what i let you do to him. You did to him the exact same thing your father did to you and your lack of clarity on this subject disgusts me. Im shaking, about to explode writing this. Youre bad for my nerves.

I no longer look at the clock worrying that you’re coming home, wondering if you will be your normal bitchy self or your normal cold cordial self when you walk through that door. Like all the times you threw a tantrum because you felt I was just a little too happy about life. Yeah I should be depressed like you. You are so selfish.

This post is good. I need to write all the shit you did. Read this when I feel weak. Remember why I let you go for real this time.

Lets start with the fact that you break stuff when youre mad…mostly stuff I bought. Or how you’ll only buy stuff that you intend to take when we break up…. like the car, the flat screen, the leather sofa. I knew the moment you bought that sofa that it wasnt for “us” it was never mine or ours. Or how about when you accused me of cheating on you right after we got home from a day of the 5 of us being a happy family where I bought you a 300 dollar guitar. That was classic you. Psycho you. You should nickname yourself the happiness killer. Makin sure no one is happy unless you say so 24-7 365! That’s your slogan. Throwing your food when your mad. Ooooh that’s so two years old. If I had a dick and it was hard it would shrivel up in .001 seconds flat after you do that. You did that in the beginning and I should of payed attention to that flag that day. I felt sorry for you. I wanted to help you. Instead you used me for my light and sucked me dry and no matter how much light you suck you will always be pitch balck! bottemless, neverending black! ugh!