I want what I want. Is that too much to ask?

I cant stop thinking about him. I thought about letting him see this spot but Im deciding against it. I need a private spot, alone….away from the rest of the world. I like that nobody comments. People are always giving their two cents when it isnt needed. Im tired of people’s words. I want action.

Why did he send me a picture of himself today. He looks so good. Could I be willing to share him with his internet freaks? He swears he’s faithful when committed. But he wants to be free to look. Looking is nice. Its touching Im worried about. I feel replaceable. And doesnt everyone want to feel irreplaceable.

I dont know permacy. Is that the word? oh who cares. I dont know it. 4 years is as far as I can get. Ive never had a guy like this one. My gut tells me it wont go far.

Or does it?

Dear You

I saw your page today…yeah…. well fuck you too!!!! Why would I live your death? What a stupid thing to say. I could say so many things on my page to reciprocate your comment that would rip your heart out and shove it right back down your throat, but Im not going to let YOU take ME there. No I’ll remain quiet over there and scream and rant over here. Its much better this way.

Funny I should watch a show about a divorce today and how the wife DOES deserve half because of what she sacrifices for the marriage. What pisses me off the most is your sense of entitlement…just because you physically paid for something does not make it ALL yours. ugh whatever. why am i writing about you.

Im not the only one

Alanis Morissette’s song Straightjacket is STUCK in my head

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

I thought I was the only one who went through this…but no, even Alanis can go through it.

I cant stand people who play games…everything is a competition…ugh

Mr. wonderful I wrote about a while back has disappeared…and Im clueless. Maybe its that I have a kid…maybe its because between his job, his other job, his titty shows, his manly insecurities and web surfing he has no time for love…just fucking around. Okay granted, Id like to fuck around too right now…I dont want to be tied to anyone but he’s not even showing interest….and its NOT because Im not hot…because I am

UGH!

Dear You

It makes me feel better knowing youre suffering…good. You should be. Im so mad at you, my usual forgiving self is hard and numb. I hate men because of you…Im trying really hard not to…but you men dont make it easy AT ALL.

You better not write me or call me ever. Trust that I STILL dont want to hear from you. Only reason Im posting about you here is so I can get what Im feeling off my chest. These words are not for you…theyre for me. You cant give me what I need…what I deserve. Just the though of getting back with you depresses me. Our last get back together was all about poor you…how your sooo insecure…so fragile. When my hand flew up and smacked your face I prayed that some of my manlyness fucking rubbed off on you.  Doubt it.

Only reason I suffer is because of Red and what you’ve done to him….no-what i let you do to him. You did to him the exact same thing your father did to you and your lack of clarity on this subject disgusts me. Im shaking, about to explode writing this. Youre bad for my nerves.

I no longer look at the clock worrying that you’re coming home, wondering if you will be your normal bitchy self or your normal cold cordial self when you walk through that door. Like all the times you threw a tantrum because you felt I was just a little too happy about life. Yeah I should be depressed like you. You are so selfish.

This post is good. I need to write all the shit you did. Read this when I feel weak. Remember why I let you go for real this time.

Lets start with the fact that you break stuff when youre mad…mostly stuff I bought. Or how you’ll only buy stuff that you intend to take when we break up…. like the car, the flat screen, the leather sofa. I knew the moment you bought that sofa that it wasnt for “us” it was never mine or ours. Or how about when you accused me of cheating on you right after we got home from a day of the 5 of us being a happy family where I bought you a 300 dollar guitar. That was classic you. Psycho you. You should nickname yourself the happiness killer. Makin sure no one is happy unless you say so 24-7 365! That’s your slogan. Throwing your food when your mad. Ooooh that’s so two years old. If I had a dick and it was hard it would shrivel up in .001 seconds flat after you do that. You did that in the beginning and I should of payed attention to that flag that day. I felt sorry for you. I wanted to help you. Instead you used me for my light and sucked me dry and no matter how much light you suck you will always be pitch balck! bottemless, neverending black! ugh!

Thrown out of one door to be pulled into another

I felt so free today. My heart soared today. I felt giddy. Some guy stopped me on the street and told me “Youre gorgeous” yeah. Today is the first day Im okay with not being his.

I want a love that is MINE

I want love

I want the love that when you first meet, there is something you cant forget

Something that feels safe and loving

I want love

I want the love that is consistent and makes me uplifted

I leave you but I still feel you and still smile because of you

I want love

I want the love that grows and changes and nourishes

I dont feel sad, or feel like I have to be something Im not

I want love

I want a love that thinks for himself and lets me think for mine

and these opinions, even if different, are in harmony

I want love

I want a love that has passion that never ends

because we do not rush but rather savior every moment

I want love

I feel the need to write

to bleed words until i am read all over. My heart aches because my mind plays tricks on me while i sleep. i dreamt of him the other day and last night i dreamt of someone else…someone i dont know…we were flirting…giving each other the eyes…only instead of this dream leaving me hopeful for a new future, it makes me miss him more. WTF?! I dont want to feel like this. He did so many bad things to me. It wasnt as good as I imagine in my head. I had to fight to be myself and yet he claims to love my self…he doesnt. I dont miss him….I miss interaction…and when i do get it, I dont trust anything the person is saying.

This guy picked me up in the laundrymat. He was nice looking, a nice guy, but I know what he wanted. He made sure I saw his “prada” glasses and that he has a car and that he is self employed…and…and…and… It just didnt feel genuine. And then I have a profile on a couple of places and the guys are so gross. Im so turned off.

Miles Away

I am in my own rhythm again…I threw everything of his out today.

cleaning..organizing…creating…drawing….cooking…planning…

creation comes when you learn to say no

I am feeling no with my whole body and soul…and its funny how I do feel more creative when Im alone. Its true for my parents too. I guess to be an artist is to be better alone. ????? But not without love….right?

I really dont want it anymore. The song “Love dont live here anymore” really takes on meaning for me right now. I feel love, but the part that felt it for him is gone. Maybe you would believe me more if I didnt even blog about it. But Im blogging regardless. I need to get this off my chest.

Im inspired to write because of Carrie Bradshaw. And Samantha Jones. She broke up with him to get back to HER. I relate. When she screamed at him, “Im not the kind of woman who waits for a maaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!! I relate.

I am miles away…

from my old life

Serenity Now

Its official…HE moved all of his stuff out. Im seething with anger as I write this. I got here too early cause Im tired of wasting my time while he gets his shit together. Me being there actually made things go much faster and I let him have it. He hides behind his work clothes acting all tough cause he works for the city…ooohhh… but he’s a REAL pussy…a fat, uneducated, lazy, selfish, nasty, unappreciative BASTARD!!!!!!!

Im mad more at myself for not listening to myself in the beginning. All the warning signs were there. HA, in fact, I was watching some comedy channel last night and the girl did this whole sketch on how we ignore the red flags when we first meet someone…it was funny and now that I think of it and its making me calm down.

Its so true, therefore Im going to pray everyday that I dont ignore the warning signs in me EVER again. That’s going to be my lesson from this.

I really dont believe in love anymore. I mean love exists but not in relationships. Its too hard when you live with a person…when that person affects YOUR future, your son. All he did was take. He never gave without some kind of string attached to it. Never.

I need to just say goodbye to this. Its making my blood boil.

Im going to purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

I feel so sick. I woke up this morning with diarrhea and throwing up. Im not preggers cause this happens a lot and i got my period but I know something is wrong with me and it scares me. Sometimes I go to get Red from school and I can barely get there without feeling dizzy and out of it. I feel like I should make a will cause who is going to take care of Red if Im not around? I dont have anyone…. and I sure dont want my x-husband taking him…which would never happen as he is not his real father.

I swear, living with that man has ruined me, I feel so weak and drained, my whole body is aching.