You cut me with your lies

but still I rise. To watch your life from this perspective makes me laugh. How you are working the victim card is so predictable. Ha! And I know she’s buying it. If only she knew how many myspace pages you open and close cause youre such a drama queen.

Dear You

I saw your page today…yeah…. well fuck you too!!!! Why would I live your death? What a stupid thing to say. I could say so many things on my page to reciprocate your comment that would rip your heart out and shove it right back down your throat, but Im not going to let YOU take ME there. No I’ll remain quiet over there and scream and rant over here. Its much better this way.

Funny I should watch a show about a divorce today and how the wife DOES deserve half because of what she sacrifices for the marriage. What pisses me off the most is your sense of entitlement…just because you physically paid for something does not make it ALL yours. ugh whatever. why am i writing about you.

Isnt it Ironic

I went on my first date in years…with someone I havent seen in years, a high school friend. Id see him in the halls and think he is cute and hope he would talk to me but it never happened. Why? I didnt know why then but I do now. He’s a taurus. That’s why. The early May taurus’s dont move with speed…at all. So now it doesnt surprise me now that he didnt call me for days even though we hadnt finished our conversation…or set a day to “meet”

So I called him. And doing so really made me realize I know this kind of guy a little bit too well. He reminds me of John. He talked to me as if he called me…asked me when I want to meet. *blink blink* I didnt even have to bring it up.

So I check out the place he mentioned going to online to find it was a country/old rock type of bar, that smelled like throw up and had peanuts on the floor. No. Ugh. First sign this isnt going good. But I need to go out and get to dating so I shoot back with three other places…and we agree to meet at one of them. He called me early the day of to confirm…which shocked me. Then he called me from his job and we talked for an hour or so about different things. He told me that he asked a friend from school about me.

so the day comes…he was 20 minutes late. He did not look excited to see me…. no sweet reunion. But he DID looked nervous and shy. I wanted to stay at the place we were at but he wanted to leave..to expensive I guess. Second sign of cheapness. We leave and start walking and suddenly he looks across the street at a bar and I see a debate going on in his head…he decides to take me to “his” spot. This is a place where everyone knows him and he has history. Its a regular bar with a family attitude but stippers are there on certian nights. I liked it but what I didnt like is the way he was looking at one of the bartenders. He clearly had feelings for her but its also clear they are not reciprocated…until at least I showed up…then i saw a little jealousy in her eyes. wtf she has a boyfriend…anyway…I think he picked up on it and he started to show signs of wanting to know me…but I was so turned off I didnt totally reciprocate. Some gay guys came right up to us (yes Im the gay magnet) and started talking to me…he looked at him and then me and asked if we were married and i took advantage of the situation and said yes before he could answer no…lol. that was funny. i checked his face and winked…he played along. Then we went outside for a smoke and the owners wife came up to us cause she knows him and asked if we were dating and how sweet that we went to school together…lol. Then the bill comes. I take out money and put 30 down. he takes 20 and gives me 10 back. ewwwww. no class. guess i know now its not a date-date.

He got drunk but I stopped drinking. Suddenly we left and before I knew it we were infront of his place and he offered to have me over. Yeah. I know why. But, Im curious cause a guys place says a lot about him, so I said yes. We get to his door and I see his x’s name on the door, which he pointed out stupidly. My mind shoots back to the night when he told me its been two years since his breakup with his x. I walk in and it look grandmotherly. Really jewish. lol. No style, just a guys basic pad. I sit down and I see that its 2:30. Oh shit. Im a mom, I have a babysitter running a tab, I gotta go. He tries to put his hands on my waist but Im not having it…i dont know what i did but somehow i got out of it. He probably chickened out. thats sounds more right. He was going to kiss me but I didnt want to…he didnt even walk me to get a cab or say, call me when you get home so i know you got there okay.

I cried quietly in the cab home. Tears just streaming down but no sound. I feel so lost. This guy shouldnt get to me like he does but my x has made me bitter. Fuck this guy…No call the next day or the day after. I called him days later after hanging with the girls all drunk and against their advice but he wasnt there and didnt pick up his cell…..If he had I would of given him a piece of my mind.

Im not the only one

Alanis Morissette’s song Straightjacket is STUCK in my head

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

I thought I was the only one who went through this…but no, even Alanis can go through it.

I cant stand people who play games…everything is a competition…ugh

Mr. wonderful I wrote about a while back has disappeared…and Im clueless. Maybe its that I have a kid…maybe its because between his job, his other job, his titty shows, his manly insecurities and web surfing he has no time for love…just fucking around. Okay granted, Id like to fuck around too right now…I dont want to be tied to anyone but he’s not even showing interest….and its NOT because Im not hot…because I am

UGH!

Dear You

It makes me feel better knowing youre suffering…good. You should be. Im so mad at you, my usual forgiving self is hard and numb. I hate men because of you…Im trying really hard not to…but you men dont make it easy AT ALL.

You better not write me or call me ever. Trust that I STILL dont want to hear from you. Only reason Im posting about you here is so I can get what Im feeling off my chest. These words are not for you…theyre for me. You cant give me what I need…what I deserve. Just the though of getting back with you depresses me. Our last get back together was all about poor you…how your sooo insecure…so fragile. When my hand flew up and smacked your face I prayed that some of my manlyness fucking rubbed off on you.  Doubt it.

Only reason I suffer is because of Red and what you’ve done to him….no-what i let you do to him. You did to him the exact same thing your father did to you and your lack of clarity on this subject disgusts me. Im shaking, about to explode writing this. Youre bad for my nerves.

I no longer look at the clock worrying that you’re coming home, wondering if you will be your normal bitchy self or your normal cold cordial self when you walk through that door. Like all the times you threw a tantrum because you felt I was just a little too happy about life. Yeah I should be depressed like you. You are so selfish.

This post is good. I need to write all the shit you did. Read this when I feel weak. Remember why I let you go for real this time.

Lets start with the fact that you break stuff when youre mad…mostly stuff I bought. Or how you’ll only buy stuff that you intend to take when we break up…. like the car, the flat screen, the leather sofa. I knew the moment you bought that sofa that it wasnt for “us” it was never mine or ours. Or how about when you accused me of cheating on you right after we got home from a day of the 5 of us being a happy family where I bought you a 300 dollar guitar. That was classic you. Psycho you. You should nickname yourself the happiness killer. Makin sure no one is happy unless you say so 24-7 365! That’s your slogan. Throwing your food when your mad. Ooooh that’s so two years old. If I had a dick and it was hard it would shrivel up in .001 seconds flat after you do that. You did that in the beginning and I should of payed attention to that flag that day. I felt sorry for you. I wanted to help you. Instead you used me for my light and sucked me dry and no matter how much light you suck you will always be pitch balck! bottemless, neverending black! ugh!

I feel the need to write

to bleed words until i am read all over. My heart aches because my mind plays tricks on me while i sleep. i dreamt of him the other day and last night i dreamt of someone else…someone i dont know…we were flirting…giving each other the eyes…only instead of this dream leaving me hopeful for a new future, it makes me miss him more. WTF?! I dont want to feel like this. He did so many bad things to me. It wasnt as good as I imagine in my head. I had to fight to be myself and yet he claims to love my self…he doesnt. I dont miss him….I miss interaction…and when i do get it, I dont trust anything the person is saying.

This guy picked me up in the laundrymat. He was nice looking, a nice guy, but I know what he wanted. He made sure I saw his “prada” glasses and that he has a car and that he is self employed…and…and…and… It just didnt feel genuine. And then I have a profile on a couple of places and the guys are so gross. Im so turned off.